Thursday, July 22, 2010

Reasons that I am probably never going to get married

Ok... so last night I finally crawled into bed at 1:30, exhausted and completely ready to go to sleep. But my mind was unwilling to let go of its freaking consciousness, so I lay awake for the next hour waiting for my brain to slow down enough for me to wrestle it to the ground and make it go to sleep. But as I was waiting for my brain to calm down, I started thinking about why guys never seem to go for me. And why I am probably never going to get married. (Yes, these thoughts only freaked my brain out more, which only resulted in me laying awake longer...)

So here are my reasons... and they are legit.

  1. I ... I am a weirdo. I say weird things and I do weird things that most people only do if they think that no one is around. Like I rap while I do my dishes, even though it is completely awful and it annoys everyone around me because I am basically shouting my rap. It goes something like this... "My name is Kara... I'm here to say... that I do dishes... every day. I don't like plates... I don't like spoons... I do like trays....................................... (this is where I can't think of anything that rhymes with spoons, so I finish it off with) I don't do drugs, SO CHECK ME OUT."
  2. I am very very very loud. I grew up in a family with four brothers, so if I needed something, I freaking had to shout it. Everyone is always telling me, "Kara.... tone it down. Tone. It. Down." But I can't, dear readers, I just can't. I like talking at an outrageously high level. And so when I meet a guy and I scream, "Hi my name is Kara and I don't do drugs!!!!!" They just kind of look at me funny and back away slowly...
  3. While on the subject of speaking, I just adapted a new speaking method that can only harm me in my pursuit of the opposite sex. I started speaking like a man. Whenever I want to emphasize something important, I say it in my lowest voice possible. "But seriously.... it was scary...." (said like a 75 year old man) Sigh... I don't think guys find it attractive when your voice pitch matches that of their best friends.
  4. I have kind of given up on my appearance... I used to spend at least an hour a day getting ready for school/work. But now, now that I am working at a campsite, all I do is literally roll out of bed, brush my teeth, and put a flower in my hair. My hair is in a pony almost all of the time, and I don't really wear much makeup anymore. So now my mediocre looks only increase my struggle to find guys.
  5. I am not that sporty. I don't mind playing sports, but I am oh-so awful at them. I can barely dribble at basketball, I end up hitting my face every time I play volleyball, I can barely swim,.... and I have no coordination. Seriously... today I was walking happily along in the kitchen to go get the mop bucket when WAM!!! I nearly trip to my death on the tile. I quickly turn around to see what giant object was placed in the middle of the tile floor that so nearly killed me, and all I see is ... tile. I tripped over nothing!!! How is that even possible???
  6. Along with the no coordination thing, I can not dance. Oh, I try to dance, thinking that if I make a happy face then all my jerky dance moves I execute are ok. But no... I look like I am having a seizure on the dance floor... and sometimes, when I try to look sexy on the dance floor so I can lure in a sexy man-beast, I end up pulling a butt muscle and then just kind of twitch for the rest of the night.
  7. I seem to just be a friend for all guys... don't get me wrong, I don't really have a problem with this. Its just that sometimes, I want to be more than friends, and ....... ok this point bores me so I am moving on...... WHAT?? It's my blog, and I can leave a point uncompleted if I so very choose.
  8. I. Am. A. Coward. I can't flirt to guys that I actually like. I can't go through with dates or lean in to kiss someone. I can't ever make the first move... so I end up waiting for the guy to make the first move but he never does because he doesn't want to make the first move on a girl who talks like a man and raps all the time and who never even tries to make herself look pretty. So I just stand around, hoping that the guy will ask me, and he never does, and I never ask him because I am coward. I never get anywhere... ak.

Ok, I know 8 reasons doesn't sound like a lot, but these are seriously 8 BIG reasons... each reason in of itself is like 50 little reasons... so I basically just wrote 400 reasons why guys don't like me. Last time I did the math, that is a lot of reasons. But its ok you guys... I will probably just become a spinster who doesn't own a house full of cats because I am allergic... instead I will collect fish... lots of little fish who will love me and I them. And I will eat jerky and muffins all day every day until I am pleasantly plump and I will wear yellow everyday even though it clashes with my skin tone. And my little fishies will adore me as I rap to them about how I don't do drugs. And I will be content.

1 comment:

  1. hahaha you're so inconsistent! before you were saying that guys want relationships with you and you don't want them . . . now you're saying you want to be more than friends, but guys don't want to! (BTW all the things you listed, I've seen you do . . . and I think they're adorable. They make you Kara, and I think that that's beautiful.)